The beauty is set free..
I didn’t have much time to contemplate on what Moses said, because I had to attend Moses father’s burial ceremony.
It wasn’t an elaborate event, Moses said that’s how his father wanted it, during the ceremony crazy thoughts flew lazily in my mind,
“What if your father is dead?, What if your second father just died?, What if your mother is dead too?, Won’t forgiving them be useless?”, And on, and on, thanks to Moses drawing me into a conversation with his brothers, I was free of those thoughts.
“Tricky, meet my eldest brother, Ronald”, he said, hugging him,
“Good evening sir”, I said, while flashing one of my numerous killer smiles,
“Good evening dear”, he said with a smile too, “hope Moses isn’t disturbing?”, He asked while giving Moses a friendly, or should I say brotherly punch on his hand,
“Well, he is tolerable”, I smiled,
“Ah!”, He said, and we all laughed.
Moses brothers were all lovely to meet, which made me see why he is the way he is. His eldest brother portrayed the image of someone who’s well collected, who makes good decision after putting everyone’s views into mind.
He reminds me of an animation character of the leader of a group, which made me a little bit jealous, but jealousy isn’t a good quality, so I kept it out of my mind.
His second brother, Martins, resembled him a lot. They have the same chin projection, the same gap teeth and of course did I fail to mention the dimples in his left cheek. It was like they were twins, only that Martins was much taller, but I like Moses the way he is anyways.
When we were all in the sitting room, having a little get together, we talked at length, me and Moses brothers that is. We spoke on different topics and different views and observations, it was as if I knew them for years. When it got late I had to take my leave, but upon my departure, Ronald called me aside to have a brief conversation with me.
“Tricky don’t be annoyed, it was that I noticed something”, he apologized,
“Oh no problem”, I said “what could that be that you noticed?”, I asked, hoping it wasn’t something serious or invasive to my thoughts,
“I observed that you didn’t talk much about your family and I felt you kept a lot of things back”, he raised his hands up, when he saw the questioning look on my face, “don’t get me wrong please, I really don’t want to seem invasive, but I just wanted to tell you this”, he took my hand and placed them on his, I didn’t fail to notice how small my hands were compared to his!,
“Make that decision and forgive that person, and free yourself”, after which he smiled and saw me off to the door, ” you will be alright after that, trust me”, he said while shutting the door.
I was lost in my mind when I got home, it was as if the big padlock I had used to locked my tears were broken and down they poured, all happy to be free!. I cried like I have never done before, it shocked me.
Have I gotten weak?, Have I let myself be influenced so much by Moses that I have lost myself?, Or is this the real me trying so hard to escape and Moses was the escape route?. All these questions were seriously demanding answers in my head,
“Ahhhhhhhhh”, I screamed, “aaaaaaaaah”, the hot tears streaming down my cheeks were rioting, and so was my mind. This kept on for two hours and by the third I had come to an understanding, if I want to answer those questions I have to make those calls, and make those visits. Something I was scared of, but right now I just want all these episodes to end, to come back to how I should be!.
“I will call them tomorrow, visit them tomorrow”, I said as I laid on my bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I stayed awake till two In the morning, I felt a small shiver down my spine, and it felt as if someone was trying to tell me something. I felt uneasy and I just needed to do something.
So down the stairs I went and out to Moses house, thundering down knocks on his door like I was under attack. He opened the door within seconds, as if he knew I would be there,
“Tricky!”, He said, as I fell into his arms, “it is okay, everything is alright”,
“I am very sorry for coming so late but ….”, I trailed off, he brought me inside the house and I sat in the sitting room while he went to the kitchen to get some drinking water. While he was doing so, Ronald came down the stairs,
“Tricky”, he called softly, ” are you alright?”,
“Yes…no…I don’t know”,
“Don’t worry”, he made his way to the sitting room and sat in a sofa opposite me, just then Moses came in with a tray.
After drinking a glass of water, Moses said, “how are you now?”,
“Fine.. thank you very much”, I exhaled,
“We…ll”, Ronald said, and I laughed, which made both of them smile.
“I don’t know what happened, I just couldn’t sleep and I kept feeling this sensation all over that I felt something bad was going to happen”,
“Hmmh, I feel it’s because you kept thinking about what I said”, Ronald suggested, “have you now come to a decision?”, He asked,
Moses looked at me when he asked that, the look in his face was persuasive, as if he so badly wanted me to say yes,
“Yes I have”, and I saw a big smile on Moses face, I don’t know why but I felt happy, happy that I could put such a smile on his face.
“Great!”, Ronald said, “so when?”,
“Today”, I answered,
“I mean when will you call them and talk to them or the individual?”, Ronald explained,
“I know what you meant, it is today”, I looked at Moses face, “that is if Moses is okay with it?”,
“Sure”, he smiled, “I did say that I will go with you whenever you are ready”, and he placed his hand on his chest, “and I will keep my words, that I will”.
Ronald smiled and told me to try to get some rest since the journey ahead of me will be long and stressful, but I was afraid to sleep alone, all by myself.
So he told Moses to stay in the sitting room with me, we both slept on a large duvet spread on the floor, and covered ourselves with a big blanket.
“I am so glad you have come to that decision”, Moses faced me and said,
“Yeah me too”, I smiled, but didn’t look at him,
“Goodnight Tricky”, he said and gave me a friendly kiss on top of my forehead and turned to the other side to sleep. I just smiled and closed my eyes again, and then sleep took me to the land of dreams.
When the day was bright, I went home, got cleaned and got changed into a simple gown, a straw hat and sandals. Moses was already outside when I came out of my house, he waved at me and crossed the road,
“Let’s not take any personal vehicle”, he said, as he drew nearer to me,
“Why?”, The sun wasn’t looking all so pleasant, since it decided to go on a full brightness mode today,
“Just thought it would be fun”, he said and held my hand and off we went, walking and talking all the way to the bus stop!.
It didn’t take long to get my ‘father’s’ house, I kept that in quote because I needed you to know that I meant Mr Williams Goodman. Standing at his door, I felt like turning back and running away, but Moses held my right hand. As if reading my thoughts, he pressed the doorbell and gave me a smile. It didn’t take long for someone to answer the door,
“One minute”, a old, but well trimmed baritone voice was heard on the other side of the door, at the sound of his voice, my whole body shook. Thank God for Moses holding my hand, because when he opened the door, I wanted to run away.
“A…”, My father tried to say my name, but was full of shock to even complete it, Moses gently squeezed my hands and I pulled myself together and said,
“Good morning sir, do you mind us coming in?”, He adjusted to a side and gave us enough room to pass, I lead Moses to the sitting room while my father followed closely behind,
“It hasn’t changed”, I whispered,
“That’s how it’s always is”, Moses whispered back.
When my father had finally gotten over the shock, he spoke, “what are you doing here!”, Which sounded more of a statement than a question,
“I came to see how you are doing?”, I said, forcing a smile in the process, while remembering Moses advice not to force feelings if I don’t feel it or sense any emotions.
“I am so happy to see you”, as he said so, his voice shook and I saw tears falling from his eyes. He was crying like a child whose candy was taken from him, it took me by surprise.
He fell on both knees and was asking for my forgiveness, even if I was wicked and I had made up my mind to hate him for the rest of my life, even if I had decided I wanted nothing to do with him.
The sight of him crying and begging was beyond my comprehension. He had always been a very proud man, so seeing him crying said a lot,
“I am very…. sorry”, he cried, “for everything!”, He moved closer to me and Moses looked into my eyes, he also had tears in them too. I had to hold back my tears as I held my father’s hands with my right hand while Moses was holding my right hand,
“That is the reason I came”, I said, smiling and letting my tears fall gracefully down my cheeks, “it was to tell you that I have forgiven you and no longer hold any of those things against you”, when he heard me, he cried the more.
After the whole episodes, I went in to prepare something for us to eat, and we discussed at length. We talked about different things, until I eventually asked him if he had Any details of my parents,
“Yes I do”, he said, “I went searching for them, after you left”, he looked at me and continued, “your father is late, I am very sorry to inform you, but your mother is in the prison”. There was a long pause following that statement, and the silent was broken by my laughter,
“Are you alright?”, Moses asked, looking concerned,
“I am fine”, but deep in my mind, I was just laughing, it served her right!.
We left there afterwards and went to the place where my mother was held, after several attempts, we were allowed to see her. The warden brought her out and we were allowed to talk, but for only a few minute,
“Is that….. You?”, She asked with eyes filled up with tears, bitter tears, regretful tears, tears that spoke of how much she wished she could have not done what she did, how she wished she could change the hands of time
She reached out and I drew my face nearer as she felt it, and started to cry,
“I am so sorry, honey, it was my fault you grew up without a mother”, her tears became heavier and I couldn’t help but cry too, but I didn’t make any sounds. This went on for some time and I had to stop her from continuing because the warden was warning of time wasting.
“I will come visit you later”, I promised.
After all that happened today, I noticed something. I was finally free, free as a bird to soar the bright coloured sky, free as a woman to love the one her heart seeks, free as a child who is done with examinations.
I had caged myself, back then when I wasn’t forgiving, I had locked myself up, but now I am free. Moses was right, Ronald was right.
Freedom is indeed free, but certainly not cheap, and yes this reminds me of a poem I wrote long again,
Hiding behind masks
Crying behind laughs
Hurting but not showing
A false sign of weak strength
A light wind blown on hot steam
Hide it..conceal it….don’t reveal it
When you show it
If you reveal it
What do you have to loose?
But why not show it
Why not let it go
If you can’t endure it
You’re not forced
If you can’t embrace it…release it
Don’t hide ….don’t hoard
Instead reveal it….then heal
Learn from it..break from it
Be free of it, then forget about it
Forgive it..then let it be a funny
Reminder of how life been playing it
Yeah, life have been playing it alright but Moses made me see that now, made me realise it too. How beautiful it is to look into the sky and feel loved, love!.
That word that I swore will never come out of my mouth, but here I am saying it and feeling it too. Moses did it, he made me forgive his race, and made me believe in love again. He is like my hero and he will always be.
Just a piece of advice, learn from this story of mine, and least I forget, my name is Alexia Williams, nice meeting you.