“It is good to find someone to talk to, the person might not solve the problem but just talking and pouring out your thoughts, the buried events that you have tried to hide, the bad times you don’t want anyone to find out”, Moses stopped talking for a while.
I had invited Moses over that evening to continue my storytelling, Jessica wasn’t around so there was no one to disturb.
“Telling someone about it helps to relieve you a little, it is like you are emptying the bottle of grief, sadness, hurt and you are trashing those bottles out…”,
” But the problem is, who can that person be?”, I interrupted, “Who can you trust to tell those things to, will the person increase the pain, the hurt by spreading the news, by comparing it to his or her own and claim that you didn’t go through anything at all!”, I said.
“Not finding the right person to talk to can be a heavy task, wondering if you could even trust again you bottle up the feelings and try to be fine, because you don’t want another dose of pain adding up to the ones you have already taken”, he seemed like someone who had gone through a lot too, well I mean seeing the fact that he could relate with what I have been saying.
“I was like this, I did like this and felt like this, I kept everything inside and kept the world from seeing the truth”, I said as I covered my eyes with my hands as tears were trying so hard against my will to escape.
I hate appearing weak like the stereotypical woman in distress, “I felt broken, dirty, the pain was truly beyond just what mere words can describe”, I continued, “I kept blaming myself for the choices I made, telling myself that if I had not decided to stay all those things wouldn’t have happened, but really what other choice did I have, I had no parents who wanted me anyways, I didn’t have any relative that I could go to and If I had chosen to go to jail I might have faced things worse than these”, I reasoned.
Moses removed my hands from my face and hugged me, his embrace was warm and friendly, I wanted us to stay that way forever, but it didn’t last long my feeling of independence and false weakness made me pull myself away from him and sat up, wiping off my tears in the process.
I cleared my throat and continued, “From blaming myself I went on to blame my parents, who couldn’t accept the responsibility of their actions, I blamed my mother who opted for jewelry and flamboyant clothing than her own child, I doubt she felt any labour pain, at least I have heard women say that anything they want to do something terrible to their children they remember the pain they went through and stop, looks like my mother was an exemption”.
He laughed after I said this and I asked him what was funny because left to me it was really annoying and frustrating, I don’t even know if she is still alive and even if she is, I want nothing to do with her,
“Come on Tricky, why that?”, He said playing holding my right hand, “of course she must have gone through the labour pains, that she must”,
“Well if she did then that’s her cup of tea”, I removed my hands from his, “anyways as I was saying, as I continued living in his house my hated for men increased and I wanted nothing to do with them as I grew older, in my final year of middle school I saw a love letter in my locker expressing love and affection towards me, it was written by a girl and that surprised me. I went in search of the girl and oh my! when I saw her she was a beauty, even in uniform her soft curves and well trimmed body could be seen, her ponytail was full and her straw coloured hair was beautiful to behold, I couldn’t believe that a girl like her was in love with me”, I have a short laugh.
“We started out well and I guess you would call it curiosity, but I noticed that anytime I was with her, I do forget about my problems and feel alive. We later broke up and well I decided to be a lover women, and ever since I have been happy, the end”,
“I doubt it that I do”, he raised his index finger and swayed it from side to side, ” if you are truly happy I would know, and I tell you, you are not”,
“You are pardoned don’t worry”, he said with a laugh, “Tricky I know what I mean, when women say they are happy that means they aren’t really happy”,
“Okay then, I might be a woman but I am a Male”,
“Because that is what you have chosen for yourself, or basically what you feel and believe society has placed you in”, he looked intensely into my eyes for a short moment and said, ” taking a good look at you, you are beautiful, charming, intelligent especially evident by your area of discipline, you are strong willed and you try as much as possible to be independent, you cover up your hurts and grief with a sly smile and a bright face”,
He stretched his neck for a while, “I know you feel like this world is forcing you to be on the group of the masculinity, but embrace who you are, you are a woman, made out of love to be loved, to be cherished, to be held close to, to be pampered, to be free”, he took my hands and smile, “you feel caged right now, you feel that you have something to prove to someone, but no you don’t!, You owe no one anything to prove, Tricky be who you are, stop burying it inside and putting on someone so cold and rigid”,
“What are you saying?”,
“I am saying, forgive everyone and move on, you are just keeping yourself in the cage whereas you are holding the key in your hands”,
“Yes, forgive, your mum, your dad, your other dad, and probably a lot of people that I don’t know of yet, forgive them and set yourself free”,
“It is not as easy as it sounds okay!”, I shouted, ” to forgive them and trust them again is something difficult and dangerous”,
Moses smiled and shook his head, “Tricky, when I said forgive them, I didn’t mean to trust them”,
“What then do you mean?”,
“I meant to let them know that you are tired of holding their past wrong doings against them, to tell them that you are ready to leave it behind and move on”, he clasped my hands, “trusting and forgiving are two different things, to trust them means to place them in an important post that will be of great importance to you, to trust them means to believe in them”, he shook his head and continued, “and that isn’t what you should do at the moment, you can build trust later on by cultivating healthy relationships, but for now, make that phone call, make that home visit and forgive them, I will be with you if you want”.
I stared at him for a long period of time, I should forgive them, set them free, but he said it will set me free also.
Do they deserve it?, Will they even appreciate it?, Won’t they think I was too weak to bear the weight so I chickened out claiming to forgive them, but he said he will be by my side if I do decide to go, to call.
“I will think about it”,
“No problem”, he smiled, ” I will be here, that’s a promise, that it is”.