The beauty 4

This entry is part 6 of 6 in the series The beauty

Trust ?!…

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Grace has been a good employee that it is such a great pity a little mistake will be the end of her stay in the company, on getting home from work I had my bath and went straight to bed not that I was tired but I wanted to do some thinking which can only be achieved when I am on my bed. Should I or should I not go?, This was the question roaming my mind and playing ball in my head, I knew the answer but for the first time in years I was afraid, afraid of accepting it because I felt that if I do a part of me will change. Change is constant that I know and I am certainly not ignorant of the fact that sometimes it’s painful but why I despise it is because all the changes that had occurred in my life is not usually the fairytale one, not the poor girl gets the crown prince or the frog gets turned into a prince. I really want to go to Moses’s house but I am scared of the truth he will show me, deep down I can feel it but I keep suppressing it,

“Damn!, Why this turmoil in my head?, Just go there”, I shouted, sitting and crossing my legs with a pillow resting on my laps I picked up my notebook by my bedside and read out loud,

” They didn’t see

I called out to them

But they didn’t hear

I pulled on their shirts

But they didn’t feel

They were blind to my plight

Deaf to my cries

Unmoved by my tears

They’ll rather see than help

They’ll rather pay than pay

I’m told that it’s better to see

Beggars on walls

Than to meet them

In stalls

Looks like I’m the beggar

And the beggar is me…”, I wrote this poem when I was running away some years ago, when I thought I had escaped, when I needed help to get me on my feet, to heal my troubled soul. Life always had a way of laughing back at me, the law of karma they say, might be I was a monster in my past life so I just had to pay with my present,

“But isn’t the punishment enough!!”, I cried, “is it until I am dead then it will be repaid, when I can’t feel anything at all”, this isn’t good I shouldn’t be crying like this, I wiped my tears and cleared my throat, Moses be causing a lot of disturbance lately, I stretched out on the bed and gave out a loud yawn,

“I will just go see him and end all this going on in my head”, I set an alarm for eight in the night should be the perfect time I guess and I slept off.

A loud beeping sound woke me up, it was the alarm I had set up earlier,

“Wow eight already”, I stood up reluctantly and had a quick shower and put on a causal wear of a pale blue gown. Coming down the stairs I saw Jessica watching the news,

“I am off to Moses’s place, keep the door open when you want to go to bed”,

“Ok, Moses place?”, The look that followed that question was that of surprise,

“Not what you are thinking”, I opened the door gave her a last look then stepped out, the night breeze blowing was cool and soothing making me feel as if the heavens agreed to my decision. Moses house was just opposite mine but it felt like a long journey with part of me telling me to turn back and the other part telling me to keep going, eventually I stood in front of the door and pressed the doorbell,

“Coming”, I heard his voice and some footsteps, I had a chance of Turing back and retreating but my legs failed me,

“Tricky!”, He said when he saw my face upon opening the door, “I am so happy you decided to come, that I am”, he took some steps backwards and showed me inside, “please come in and have a seat”,

“Thank you “, I chose the couch by the right close to a standing fan, the interior of the house was beautiful and it smelt of money well spent,

“What would you like to drink?”, He asked sitting right beside me, I turned to face him and said,

“Well, normally I would have asked for water but I think hot chocolate will be fine”, he gave me a friendly punch on my right hand and smiled,

“Glad to see you are making yourself at home”, he stood up and went to the kitchen I presume which gave me plenty of time to look around, the paintings on the wall was simply marvellous telling you that the owner of this house had a good eye, the decorations matched perfectly with the furniture which gave the room a look of relaxation and comfort, well this feels like a home away from home, kind of house where your parents will be telling you scary stories while you have your face covered with a throw pillow, funny how all these never happened to me,

“Steaming hot chocolate”, he announced as he came in with a tray containing two mugs with steam arising from their heads and a strawberry cake, “hope you don’t mind the dessert i thought it would go well with the drink”,

“Makes a good combo if you ask me”, I took the tray from his hands and placed them on the table in front of me, “thank you very much”,

“My pleasure”, he said with a half laugh, “yes, you much be wondering where the owner of the house is right?”,

“Not really I was actually admiring the setup of the house and the way the decorations and the furniture made a great match”,

“Oh really, thanks”, his smile really get to me every time, “the decorations were actually my idea just one of those things”, wait he decorated this room wow such great talent, “this house belonged to my parents but they are late now with my mother taking the lead and my father following right after”,

“Oh!, Sorry about that”,

“Don’t be”, he waved his hands, “they both lived fulfilled lives and I am sure they are at peace wherever they are”, he took a sip from his mug, “you see this house holds a lot of memories for me and my brothers, but I don’t want to bore you with family histories”, he smiled, “Tricky, you remind me of my former self when I was sad, hurt and angry”,

“Well, I am none of those things”, I snapped then took a big gulp from my mug and a bite from my cake,

“The truth is difficult to accept Tricky but it helps to fasten the process of healing”, he laughed, “let me tell you something about myself”, he cleared his throat, “when I was eighteen years old the girl I loved and was willing and ready to spend the rest of my life with, committed suicide”,

“Damn!, That’s painful”, I didn’t know when those words were out of my mouth,

“It was to say the truth but what actually hurt was the fact that I wasn’t able to help her, we were in a relationship but still she decided to end her life, I believed I wasn’t enough, she left behind a message which was discovered the next day, prior to that discovery her parents were of the notion that I caused it, that maybe I cheated on her and when she found out she was very sad so she killed herself”,

“That’s a stupid school of thought”,

“Well, to bereaved parents it made the most logical sense, so upon discovering of the letter and since it was addressed to me I was called upon to read it, the content of that letter broke my shattered heart”, he paused for a moment then continued, “do you want to know what it said?”, He asked me,

“If you don’t want to tell me then I’d rather not”,

“I will tell you, it said,

I matter, why does that sound impossible

I should be cared for, why does that sound plausible

I should also be free, damn! If wishes were leaves

That can be blown to wherever I wish

I should find love, but what about the doves that are killed in place of it’s owner

What about the grapes that were used to help entertain the guests

Some times I shouldn’t see beyond what’s written

Even it is is too brittle that it can be over written

Still I want to also love myself too

But I feel that it will turn me into a proud fool

Why I think like this

I can never understand”, he drank out of his mug and smiled at me,

“What do you understand?”, He asked me,

“Well, I think she didn’t believe she deserved to be loved and all so she felt a little bit guilty and decided to call it quit”, I really was taken aback by the letter it felt as though I was the one who wrote it,

“Well you are not mistaken but the letter isn’t finished yet”,

“It is not!”, How depressing this lady must have felt to write such a piece,

“It continues,

Right now I am ready to jump

Take that leap and feel the breeze

Give up on trying to try

Nah been there done that

Nothing to show how hard I tried

I am ready to jump

Take the fastest way out

Might be painful but it won’t last long

Unlike those I have been hiding for ages

I am ready to call it quits

Been trying to motivate myself

Didn’t work out the way I thought

Now I just want to leave”,

“And leave she did”, I said with a sign,

“Yes she did leaving behind those who loved her and those who didn’t”, he finished his drink and belched,” sorry about that”, then he turned to me and holding my hands he said, “why the letter hurt me was because I felt that she didn’t tell me anything, how she felt, what she thought and whenever we were together it was just smiles and laughters that I never knew what was wrong, I never knew that deep down she was patiently waiting for the perfect time for her to do what she thought was right”,

“Well I am not thinking of committing suicide”, I looked him in the eye when I said that,

“But you are almost close to doing just that”,

“Excuse me”, I removed my hands from his, “I am not close to anything like that, if I do it, if I even give it a place to linger for just a second I am letting him win!”, And I don’t want that!

“But what if I told you that it’s a lie, you are just caging yourself”, he said calmly, “Tricky you are holding on to something that is tearing you up inside, something that is making you do what you do even though you don’t want to”,

“I am doing fine thank you!”, I stood up to leave, I knew this was a bad idea to begin with but still I came and when I had the chance to leave my legs just decided for me.

“The fact that you are angry and not willing to accept is prove enough that what I am saying is true”, he walked up to where I stood, “Tricky, won’t it be better to share your burden”, he took my hands, “I am sure they are pretty heavy and it would be relaxing to let go of them even if it is just a little piece of it”,

“To let go of my burden even if it is just a little piece of it”, I looked at his face and I saw tears in his eyes, those tears looked real they looked genuine, not tears of someone who wants to take advantage of my emotions, but real tears of someone who had been through the road I am taking, should I do it?, should I say it?, the words I have been hiding for years that only my head knows about should I tell it to this man?, A man, that sex that I have despised for so long, that I hated and wished the greatest of all pain, that sex that I promised myself to never trust again, to never rely on, will I be making the same mistake?, Trusting a man again!…………



To be continued……..

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