The tears of a Thousand words


I was unwilling to do anything , nothing at all. It was all meaning less to me, it was like every other day of my life.

I was sick of it. It was only normal for me at this point to have suicidal thoughts, only one thing had actually stopped me from ending my life , The fear of God. As you would guess I wasn’t the purest of souls, oh hell no I wasn’t mine was as dark as the night sky, well at least that’s what I believed.

A Thousand Words

Table of Contents

“Harida”! She called out , within seconds I had already cleared out the empty packs of my pills I had just abused, it had become a talent now. She walked in finding me on my study table, I could feel her delight at that sight. It was the only thing I could ever possibly do that gave my parents joy… ‘study’.
Yeah mom I said not turning around , convincing her more I was actually studying.

“well, I wouldn’t want to disturb you but father Pascal called”. she said as her eyes lit up. It was opposite for me my heart beat increased, “he is back in town can’t I thought we should go say hi before we get occupied again and he leaves what do you think? “…

Why not I said bluntly, God only knows how much I wanted to stay home .I just wasn’t even comfortable with  the idea of being with people of God , I wasn’t demonic, off course not, I had the fear of God to an extent I just wasn’t keen on the idea

“you should get ready we will leave in a bit ” she said walking out of my room.

My tension grew higher I couldn’t control it any more, I was filled with a lot of emotions , fear and anxiety most of all, my earthly desires took over…..

I first tried swallowing more pills to feel numb at least anything to block my itch but it didn’t work , I was really tensed up and this was the only way I knew how to calm my self down.

Dear lord I was doing this again I thought to my self as my fingers penetrated deeper inside me , I was giving my body the exact kind of pleasure it desired at this point and I hated my self for it.

I finally reached my peak after minutes of pure evil delight … And my usual visitor came knocking …’shame’.
We finally arrived ,our lady of sorrows parish was a site to behold.

It was majestic. But my current anxiety wouldn’t let me receive it properly, I wanted to leave as soon as possible, I felt unworthy in God’s presence.

Interrupting me from my thoughts was a voice I knew a little too well “good evening madam” father pascal said to my mom, he was the assistant parish priest, very much loved by the parishioners.

He looked as though in his late 20’s . He was simply someone with a ‘white blood’s.
During his talk with my mom he looked my way giving me a warm smile sending his apologies that he neglected my presence, I couldn’t care less, I was actually happy he did.

My mom noticed so she decided to excuse us heaven knows I felt like giving her a slap.
Then he asked me to take a walk with, a thousand things ran through my mind at that moment, I wondered what he knew about  me or how many of my sins God had decided to reveal to him.

It was my greatest fear . We walked for a while suspense slowly killing me with each step until he finally spoke ” so, Harida I heard you got into a top state university how’s that going” he said , off course he’ll know I mean who didn’t actually my mom made sure of it.

I knew what it took me to accomplish that’s .. endless amount of pills and late night studying  for all I knewI could have even gained admission into Harvard. “Yes father it was quite a journey” I said in between fake laughs…..

He was silent for a while as he looked straight ahead I was taking notes of all his features I always did that around people the I remember when I was younger and how I had a huge crush on him I mentally laughed and shamed my self. Then he spoke “Do you have faith Harida ? ” ….

He said , I wasn’t sure how or when an answer came out but it did “And where has faith ever gotten me?” I said throwing a question back, A part of me was tired of keeping my disappointment in God in anymore ….

It only took one question for father pascal to get me taking, something I hadn’t done in a while.
” You are God’s own Harida ” he replied …I was getting annoyed …”God’s own!? God’s own!? Really!?

Father” I said, my heart beat increasing I was fighting to control my self from speaking but I couldn’t I’ve held it in for too long it had to come out.

“You call me his own but where was he father when I prayed to him each night since I was seven to take away this diease from me …

When I had sleepless nights due to the pain and no one was there to comfort me where was your God! Did it cross his mind even once at that point that I was his own?

With all the money we had it couldn’t do anything and we went back to God prayed and waited for years and still nothing ..and I should continue like that waiting for what! And you stand here asking me today if I have faith …

Father you should ask your God that…ask him if he is worthy of my faith.
Father pascal was silent as though in shock …he didn’t say a word …I started to realize what I said ” Do you know what it feels like father ” I started again much calmer …

Waking up each day and feeling like a prisoner due to my sins , feeling each moment like I am imprisoned in my own body, never having the feeling of comfort always trying to be upright and perfect for people and God?

Basically feel like a disappointment to God because am not able to live up to him words like you do?”

I said “And who told you Harida that I am also able to leave up to God’s words “he said looking clearly hurt by my previous words and I also saw pity for me in his eyes.

I wasn’t able to answer his question. He then continued ” then I would leave you with this Harida change your perspective about God just maybe he isn’t waiting or looking out for the day you’ll find perfection ..maybe all he sees are your little efforts in that journey.

Maybe that’s all he needs Harida see your chase that perfection wholeheartedly  and maybe just maybe then everything would fall into place ” he said as he left with not another word …..

Must Read!

What If?

I was heart broken I felt terrible  I was rethinking everything right there where I stood then something happened something that hadn’t in a long while…I was crying , tears were actually coming out  I wasn’t emotionless ..

I could feel something , regret and for the first time I was happy about it ….I screamed out loud letting the tears flow ..father Pascal had accomplished what no one could with just one question you have faith?

Those tears I shed said the thousand words I couldn’t get out for years within seconds…it was a step towards my healing and I wasn’t going to stop here.

Plus, when it comes to getting your essay done for publication, you wish to have someone who will doit well.

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